I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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