too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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