remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
