I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
