i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
