Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
