or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
