haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
