Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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