Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
