Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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