We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat