i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
True strength comes from lack of pants
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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