I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
