Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
