Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
