I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
