An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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