I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
