Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Someone came in the potted fern
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
