An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
