She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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