I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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