my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every concussion has its silver lining
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The uberlube is also flammable
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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