in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Randomize
