Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
