Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
