if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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