Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
