just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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