i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
