Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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