The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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