people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
