My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
