At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
