Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
