I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
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Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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