get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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