I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
