she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
