ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
