Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
