He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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