My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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