There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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