can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How does one acquire holy water?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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