To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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