Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
