Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
