My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
