fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
