hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
