it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
