u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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