When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
