this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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