You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
